I haven't been this sober since birth.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
