you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
