i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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