i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We got so high we made milksteak
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Randomize
