I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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