I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
