Ketchup is God's man juice
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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