I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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