I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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