i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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