It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
