Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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