I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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