well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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