if you like me you must not know who I am
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize