Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
