I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Come see our sink grown plant.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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