Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
