Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just forgot I was standing up.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
