i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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