If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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