maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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