Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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