last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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