Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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