You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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