My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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