I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize