Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
