I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
