when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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