sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
