So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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