I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
