She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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