My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
