Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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