Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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