I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
