even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
