The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize