note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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