he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
