The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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