I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
