I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
