Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
