New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
