i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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