I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
