he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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