i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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