Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
