Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize