Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize