The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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