we have officially lost it.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
