well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
