I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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